Rest in Peace

The GazettE is a Japanese visual kei rock band that formed in 2002. They’ve been around for over twenty years and only had one lineup change when Yune, the drummer, left in 2003. Kai replaced him.

Since then, it has been all the same members. They’ve released ten albums, six EPs, and a bunch of singles.

The GazettE is one of my favorite bands.

I woke up to the news on Monday that Reita, the bassist, had passed away.

He was only 42. They have not announced a cause of death. But it seems sudden and unexpected. I feel for everyone who loves him. Losing someone is devastating, and I know many people are hurting right now.

A few days before he passed away, he wrote on Twitter, “I hope the GazettE will last forever.”

That makes me tear up. He loved what he did. He loved his band.

Rest in peace, Reita. 

Six Months

It’s been six months since my mom passed away. How can it be half a year since she has been gone? And yet, it doesn’t feel long at all.

Reality feels like a nightmare.

Over two weeks ago, I had anxiety one night before bed. I woke up not feeling well with a bunch of symptoms. It is slowly getting better, but it has been scary dealing with this without my mom. 

It’s crazy what grief, anxiety, and panic can do. 

On Easter Day, I went with Victor to his family’s cookout. Before we left, he told me he was sorry that my family was gone. But I have a family here that loves me and accepts me. It made me emotional, and his family has been kind to me, but I still don’t feel like they are my family.

I get invited to their homes for holidays and such. But there is more to family than that. Family are people who love you, care about you, support you, and are there for you.

In my grief, my own family has not been that. And neither has Victor’s family. No one in my or his family reaches out to check on me.

I know he was trying to make me feel better. 

One thing I say to Victor is that I see a lot, but I don’t say a lot. 

I see a lot of things with his family. His dad’s side is not as bad as his mom’s side of the family, but there are still a lot of comments made to make Victor feel worthless.

His dad did it once to me, too. And it was over a stupid thing. 

We stayed at his dad’s house in 2021 when it snowed. We were without power at our place for four or five days. One morning, during breakfast, I was asked if I wanted coffee. I said no because I don’t like coffee. His dad said, “Well, at least my son drinks coffee.” And acted like it was a horrible thing because I don’t.

Another time, we were visiting, and Victor was in the bathroom; his dad was talking to me. He told me he made sure his daughter (Victor’s half-sister) knew Spanish. He talked down about Victor not knowing Spanish and called him a coconut. 

For those who don’t know, coconut is an insult, meaning a person is brown on the outside but white on the inside.

On Easter, we brought Calcifer with us in his carrier. Victor’s dad said when we were getting ready to leave, “I always thought my son would have a dog like a rottweiler, not a rodent as a pet.” 

I could tell his dad’s comment bothered him. Victor loves Calcifer.

Those little comments are one of the reasons I keep my distance. I feel like Victor is my family, and that’s it.

My mom and Victor were my family. Now, my mom is gone. It’s still hard. I’m not crying like I did in the beginning, but I still have a lot of instances where I feel like I need my mom. 

I miss her so much.

Back Into Hiding

I am in the living room on my laptop writing this post. 

I couldn’t do this with Victor’s mom here. We’ve been watching TV and eating dinner in our living room. It’s been nice and peaceful. 

I don’t have to hurry in the kitchen whenever I make breakfast or lunch. We don’t have interruptions.

We are alone. And it is wonderful. 

But I’ll be retreating to our bedroom next week and closing the door. Victor’s youngest son will be here on Spring break. I wasn’t asked if it was okay. I was just told what was going to happen, like always.

Victor’s ex-girlfriend decides she wants Victor to take him other than every other weekend, and he gives in. It’s probably because if he doesn’t, she throws a fit and says he is a bad father. 

The other weekend, when we visited his dad, his stepmom was talking to me. She told me that Victor told his dad his youngest son wanted to live with him. I was honest and said I didn’t want his son living with us. She told me to talk to Victor; and tell him what I want.

I should be able to tell him no, that’s not what I want, and that ends it. His mom hasn’t even been gone for two weeks yet. And it already feels like another person is trying to push their way into our life.

Victor has said he won’t have to pay child support anymore if his son lives with us. That is true. He pays $200 something a month. But taking his son means he’ll be responsible for everything, just like with his mom. And with how much it costs to raise a kid nowadays, getting $200 something from the mother isn’t going to help. 

Victor would put us in another permanent situation where we are not living alone.

I should be able to say no, and that’s the end. But I don’t know if that’s how it would go.

It’s not set in stone. I haven’t been told it is happening for definite. But I would like to prevent it.

How do you tell someone you don’t want them to move their kid in?

When I moved here the first time, Victor’s friend and her kid lived with us. Victor’s mom lived with us for nearly three years. Why am I supposed to be okay with giving up many more years of our life?

I miss my mom. I need her advice for this situation.

Five Months

Sunday was five months since my mom passed away. Some days are better than others, but there is always an underlying sadness.

I cried Sunday night, and I had trouble falling asleep.

But I had a dream with my mom in it. I’m not sure what the dream even means. In the dream, I was working with a guy from a prison on a program. It had to do with grief, but he also wanted me to help him catch a killer.

He set me and two other people up at a hotel where he knew the guy would be robbing. The guy was coming into the rooms through the vents. He was small and able to fit. Somehow, I, or one of the other two, was supposed to stop him. 

My mom showed up before the killer was supposed to strike. She was in my room, and she had a weapon, and so did I. We were able to see him enter the rooms of the other two people. I guess we had a monitor in our room. 

The other two people couldn’t fight him off, and they were killed. My room was next. Me and my mom were ready. But at the last minute, the guy left the hotel and ran off with a large backpack filled with items he had stolen from the other two rooms.

Me and my mom looked at each other, and then I woke up. 

What was the meaning? Is it my mom that will always be there, even if it’s just in spirit? Is it that she will always protect me?

I don’t know. I miss her. I still need her guidance and advice. I’m still learning to navigate life without her.

Good News Part 2

Since the five-year look back is over for Medicaid, Victor has been working with a new nursing home to place his mom there. 

It’s been a few months. She was approved for hospice a few weeks ago. Hospice is needed for respite stays. 

Victor was contacted by the nursing home today to let him know his mom will be going into respite on the 25th. And she will be staying because she will be living there. 

I’m not fully excited yet, and that’s because we’ve been on this road before; things are going in the direction for her to be placed, and then there is a roadblock. But this time, it does seem that it’s happening.

I also have an underlying worry/fear that Victor will move his youngest son in with us. He has mentioned it a few times. I will keep praying about it and probably eventually have to talk to him about it. We deserve to live alone and have a life.

I will continue to pray for our life to be the way it should be. I am looking forward to living alone again.

Good News

The attorney contacted me today with good news: he will become my mom’s estate executor.

I felt relief as soon as he told me. He will be able to get the house and her car sold and take care of her bank account and bills that must be paid once the home is sold.

But as I sit here, I am immensely sad. 

It’s the realization that this is it; my mom is gone, and the home will soon be gone. I didn’t want the house to go into foreclosure. I know this is the right way to get things done. I wanted me and VIctor to move into the house. But I know, at this moment, I wouldn’t be able to convince him to move away from Texas.

I keep praying that he wants to move away. I don’t want to spend my life in Texas. I don’t want to spend my life around his family.

I’m glad for the good news and for my prayers being answered. Now, I just need the rest of my prayers to be answered.

Four Months

It’s been four months and six days since my mom passed away.

Some days are better. Some days are worse. Every day, I want my mom back. I want to talk to her. I want her advice.

It’s never going to be fair that she was taken so soon.

But blogging about it helps some. I want to keep talking about it. I know death and grief are uncomfortable and even taboo subjects in our society. I want to do my part in changing that by sharing how I feel, this experience, and my pain.

While no one’s grief is the same, it’s important to talk about it so others know they are not alone.

I’m still taking things one day at a time. It’s hard, but I’m doing my best.

I miss my mom. I always will.

Waiting For Progress

I am still in the process of getting my mother’s estate settled. I’m working with an attorney, ensuring he gets the papers he needs. I recently signed a paper for him to file with the court for him to become head of the estate. He needs papers signed by my brother’s ex-wife since the grandchildren will receive money from my mother’s estate as well.

Because of the cold weather there, one of the pipes burst in the basement of my mother’s home. My friend wasn’t in Pennsylvania to do anything about it. I was able to get my mom’s friend – who was her roommate when she passed away – to shut the water off. He’s doing his best to clean up.

The attorney called me yesterday. He wants to get the auctioneer out there to weatherize the house. I also told him that the mortgage was not being paid. It sounds like he will call the mortgage company sometime next week.

It’s close to four months since my mom passed away. That’s not a long time at all, but it is when it comes to bills. I feel a desperate need for this to move along. No one can pay for repairs to the house or bills.

Victor and I are getting by. We don’t go on vacations. The furthest I’ve been away from San Antonio is Corpus Christi, and we only stayed there for a night. Corpus is around two hours away. It’s about two years since I was last there. The most we do is go to the movies. Or a concert here and there.

I contacted my cousin about what happened when I wasn’t sure if my mom’s friend would shut the water off. She knows the whole situation. I told her that I need help with everything. I am overwhelmed.

She told me that she understood. Her father passed away when she was 25, and she had to go to South Carolina to take care of his estate. She went through a probate judge. She didn’t use a lawyer.

My cousin was 25 in 1996. Things were cheaper in the 90s; travel was cheaper. And while South Carolina is still a bit of a drive, it is closer to Pennsylvania than Texas is.

I am 1,675 miles from Pennsylvania.

Not long after my mom passed away, my cousin called me. She had told me if I needed someone to get papers and other things, just let her know. She said to call her if I ever needed to talk. She told me that I was not alone.

And I feel more alone than I ever have in my life.

I don’t like to ask for help. But I did because I am overwhelmed. I am in over my head. And I felt like I was told no.

I’m not trying to villainize my family; I’m not trying to bash them. I wish the support was there to help with this since I can’t be in Pennsylvania. I wish I wasn’t alone.

I have been praying every day for things to move faster and for the attorney to be appointed head of my mom’s estate. I hope there is more progress soon.

Is It Weird?

I’ve always been slightly interested in true crime. I’ve read a few books. I’ve watched documentaries here and there.

But I’ve noticed my interest in true crime has increased. I’m reading more books and have even joined a few online groups discussing true crime.

I’ve been looking at the forums on Web Sleuth, a website of amateur sleuths trying to solve cases, and even thought to myself, What if I could help solve cases?

And it’s not just true crime. I’ve taken to reading books about grief. Books about death and dying.

Are these sudden increases because my mom passed away?

Is this somehow a method of coping?

Is it in some way helping me to heal?

I don’t know. Maybe it’s all of the above.

Is it weird, or has anyone experienced an increased interest after someone passed away?

Three Months

It’s been three months since my mom passed away, and we are in 2024 now. 

How can I be in the New Year without my mom? It doesn’t feel right. 

I still have times when I tear up or cry. It’s not every day. Last night and midnight on New Year’s, when I was outside to watch the fireworks, were emotional for me. 

I think about my mom every day.

Mr. Monk’s Last Case premiered on Peacock last month. I remember telling my mom about the movie in early summer. They didn’t have an air date for it yet. But she was looking forward to it. She loved Monk. I love it, too. 

I watched the movie. I liked it a lot. But I was sad because I couldn’t talk to her about it.

There is this show called The Way Home. 

It’s a Hallmark series about a girl traveling back in time. 

My mom absolutely loved that show. I watched it, too, and it is a good show. We’d watch the new episode each week and discuss it afterward.

All she did was talk about the show after the first season ended. She kept saying she couldn’t wait for season two.

Season two premieres this month on my birthday, January 21st.

I want to watch it. But it’s going to be hard. It was our show. And she is no longer here to discuss it with me.

For a long time now, all I wanted for the holidays was to spend them with my mom and Victor. And all these years we’ve been in Texas. We’ve spent the holidays with his family.

I feel like I missed out on memories with my mom. And Victor missed out on the chance to know her.

I’m an adult, and I know it is okay that I have been living my life. Children grow up, and they leave. It’s normal. It’s what’s supposed to happen.

But I wanted my mom to be more included in our life. Not in an interference way like his family is, but spending holidays together. Going places together sometimes. Maybe even vacations.

And there is no chance of that now. It bothers me quite a bit. 

I wish things were different. I wish my mom were still here.