Three Months

It’s been three months since my mom passed away, and we are in 2024 now. 

How can I be in the New Year without my mom? It doesn’t feel right. 

I still have times when I tear up or cry. It’s not every day. Last night and midnight on New Year’s, when I was outside to watch the fireworks, were emotional for me. 

I think about my mom every day.

Mr. Monk’s Last Case premiered on Peacock last month. I remember telling my mom about the movie in early summer. They didn’t have an air date for it yet. But she was looking forward to it. She loved Monk. I love it, too. 

I watched the movie. I liked it a lot. But I was sad because I couldn’t talk to her about it.

There is this show called The Way Home. 

It’s a Hallmark series about a girl traveling back in time. 

My mom absolutely loved that show. I watched it, too, and it is a good show. We’d watch the new episode each week and discuss it afterward.

All she did was talk about the show after the first season ended. She kept saying she couldn’t wait for season two.

Season two premieres this month on my birthday, January 21st.

I want to watch it. But it’s going to be hard. It was our show. And she is no longer here to discuss it with me.

For a long time now, all I wanted for the holidays was to spend them with my mom and Victor. And all these years we’ve been in Texas. We’ve spent the holidays with his family.

I feel like I missed out on memories with my mom. And Victor missed out on the chance to know her.

I’m an adult, and I know it is okay that I have been living my life. Children grow up, and they leave. It’s normal. It’s what’s supposed to happen.

But I wanted my mom to be more included in our life. Not in an interference way like his family is, but spending holidays together. Going places together sometimes. Maybe even vacations.

And there is no chance of that now. It bothers me quite a bit. 

I wish things were different. I wish my mom were still here.

My Parents

I looked through pictures on my laptop the other day of trips I went on with my parents. I found one that had both of my parents in it.

It was taken in 2010 at Plumpton Zoo in Maryland.

It was about a year before my dad experienced Afib for the first time, and it landed him in the hospital. Normally, they shock your heart for Afib, but my dad didn’t have insurance, and they wouldn’t do it. The doctor put him on a dangerous medication and gave him too high of a dose. It caused permanent liver damage. And that is what he passed away from.

The picture was before all that happened. Life wasn’t perfect then, but I still had my parents. Life isn’t perfect now, and I wish I still had my parents. 

I wish I could talk to my mom, and she would reassure me that everything will be okay like she used to. I miss my mom.

Holiday Stress

Christmas is almost here. I used to love the holidays, but my excitement for them began to wane after my dad passed away. It was the same for my mom. 

Despite the complicated relationship both my mom and I had with my dad, the holidays weren’t the same with him gone. 

I have fond memories of Christmas and Thanksgiving with my parents. New Year’s as well. We had stopped the big celebrations. We had stopped visiting people. It was for our peace because our family – for whatever reason – needed to bring in chaos.

And it was nice.

I actually loved going to Ryan’s buffet for Christmas or Thanksgiving. Some years, for one of the holidays, my mom cooked just for us at home.

I became accustomed to peaceful and non-stressful holidays. 

Holidays are not like that with Victor. They are stressful, and there is no peace. There is visiting and picking up his kids. The holidays are about everyone else and not us.

I am not excited about Christmas at all. My mom is gone now, and I honestly don’t even want to celebrate.

Everything I have read about grief, online and in books, says that when someone close to you passes, you become a different person. 

I am different. I am not who I was.

And when that happens, things that you do and holiday traditions change. 

Holidays are hard for grieving people. And you do what you need to do to cope.

Thanksgiving wrecked me. Victor had some family over, and I stayed in our bedroom crying. It was too overwhelming.

Both times I’ve lived here, the holidays have been about his family. We visit or invite some over to our place.

What I need to do to cope is for the holidays just to be us. I’m sure I could tell him I want to stay home on Christmas and not go to his dad’s, and he would be okay with it. But I also don’t want to be alone on Christmas. Victor is my family, and I want to spend it with him. 

Victor wants me to be happy, but he wants to keep everyone else happy, too. He wants to be everything for everyone. And you can’t live your life that way. You can’t live your life if it’s about everyone else.

I’m going to do my best to keep it together on Christmas. But I think I will need to talk to him about the holidays next year. It’s always been his way, and I feel that needs to change.

Two Months

It’s been two months since my mom passed away. It feels both like it was so long and like it was just yesterday. 

When I’m asked how I’m doing, I always say I am taking things day by day. And that’s what I’m doing, but it’s a tough question to answer.

Outwardly and physically, I’m sure I appear okay.

Mentally and emotionally, I am not okay. And that’s okay. Who is going to be okay when they’ve lost someone they love and were close to? 

Grief is not something to be cured or get over. Grief stays because grief is love, and love never fades even once the person is gone.

On Facebook, someone on my friend’s list is 79. She shared that December 1 is always tough for her. That was the day she lost her father, and she was 7 years old.

Grief stays. It’s just something we have to grow around. We adapt. We live our lives and still have happy moments. But there are moments when we’re reminded of the person or persons we have lost.

I’m two months into my grief. And with time, I’m sure, it will not feel as bad. 

It’s hard. I still have moments when something happens, or I see something, and I think, “I need to call my mom.” But I can’t call her anymore.

Maybe this would be easier if I were close to my family, but I’m not. My mom was never close to our family either. It was just me and her. It’s hard to be close to your family when there is so much dysfunction.

Thanksgiving was hard for me. Victor had some of his family over. I stayed in our bedroom and cried. It was too much, too overwhelming. I think for me to be able to cope during the holidays, it would need to just be us. And I don’t know if I can get Victor to agree to that.

Every day, I’m trying my best, and that’s all I can do.

Christmas Tree

This year, Victor and I decorated our Christmas tree. The past two Christmases, his mother didn’t let us decorate. She decorated how she wanted, and we didn’t have a say.

In the apartment we lived in, she took over in many ways. Mind you, we did not move in with her. She moved in with us. Her taking over shouldn’t have happened.

We moved this year into a duplex home. Victor hasn’t allowed her to take over like she did at the apartment. All the Christmas decorations are in the garage. The door to the garage is always locked; only me and Victor have a key to it. 

I bought a black Christmas tree. I also bought purple and silver bulbs, silver and white garland, and pretty clear plastic ornaments. We bought purple lights for the tree, and instead of a star, Victor bought an angel because I suggested it.

I’ve been upset the last few years because we haven’t been able to decorate for Christmas in our own home. 

Last weekend, we put up the tree and decorated it. And it was nice. But all I could think was that my mom wasn’t going to see it.  

And here is a video of the tree. WordPress doesn’t allow me to post videos unless I pay to upgrade.

I think the tree is beautiful. My mom would have loved it.

Proud of Myself

I have anxiety. I’ve had it for a long time, and it has become much worse since my mom passed away.

For some reason, my anxiety makes it very hard for me to call places. I’m fine calling people I know. But calling people I don’t know is terrifying. And I don’t know why. But anxiety doesn’t need reasons why. Anxiety is unreasonable.

On Monday, I called a place that will help find homes for seniors. Whether it is low-income housing, assisted living, or nursing. You name it. I got the number for this place last week, and I had to build myself up to call. I kept repeating in my head what I wanted and needed to say. 

But I called. I talked to a woman named Barbara. She was helpful and recommended a few places for Victor to check into. One is nearby, and she said to start working with the lawyer there who will help her get Medicaid. 

The woman told me if the nursing home runs into roadblocks with getting his mom on Medicaid, then her organization can help.

Barbara was kind, understanding, and very honest. She wanted to know if his mom’s care had become too much, and I told her it’s very stressful for Victor and me, too. She told me most people don’t understand just how hard caregiving is, how it affects relationships, and that it can destroy relationships and marriages.

Hearing her say that, I felt understood. 

She had even asked if I was taking care of his mom while he worked. She said if I am, that would be wrong. But I don’t take care of her. She’s able to take care of herself.

While some admit caregiving is hard, they don’t talk about how it affects your life and relationships. They don’t want to talk about the person who is doing the caregiving. All the sympathy is for the person being taken care of. Many seem to have the attitude that children have to give up their life to care for their parents or other relatives.

And it was nice to talk to someone who was honest about it all. Someone who doesn’t think his mom should be living with us.

I’m also proud of myself for making that call. I know for others that is something simple, but it was major for me.

I Don’t Understand

I signed up for a website called Next Door. It’s a social media website, but it’s based around your community. You can use it to connect with neighbors, find events, sell items, and more. I made a post on there yesterday asking people if they know any pro-bono eldercare attorneys.

A few people suggested that we find an eldercare attorney for Victor’s mom. They might be able to help get her into assisted living or know of others to help. I figured, why not ask the community? I am sure we are not the only ones to have been in a position like this with his mother.

For the most part, people were trying to be helpful. Expect one person who commented, “Maybe your boyfriend should take care of his mother instead of a rat.” And that’s because I have in my profile that we have a pet rat together.

I didn’t go into details in the post. I figured people didn’t need all the details. I just wanted to know if there are pro-bono eldercare attorneys around.

I don’t understand why people, including strangers, are insistent that Victor and I have to give up our lives for his mom. We have done so for the past 2 years. 

Why are we not allowed to have a life? I see his family and his exes all have their own lives. They put themselves first. And that’s good because you’re supposed to do that. But why is it that we can’t do that? Why does everyone expect Victor to do what they want?

And expecting Victor to bend to their will affects me because we have a life together.

I’ve also noticed whenever I ask for information, trying to find help to get his mom placed somewhere to be taken care of, people always feel bad for her. No one ever feels bad for us and what we have sacrificed. I feel I have sacrificed a lot to be here. I last saw my mom over 4 years ago, and she’s gone now. That’s a lot.

I know this is similar to my last post, and I have repeated myself somewhat. But wow. People don’t let up

Losing Myself

Not only was I close to my mom, and we talked every day, I felt like she was an anchor to my old life. Living in Pennsylvania, my friends there. I felt like she was a connection to all of that.

Now that she is gone, I feel like I am being swallowed whole by Victor’s life. And it’s not even a life he is happy with.

It’s not even his life. It belongs to his family, his exes, and his kids. But we are together and have a life together. Victor feeling like he has to be responsible for everyone affects not only him but me, too. We don’t come first in our life. It’s everyone else.

I kind of feel like I’m losing myself if that makes sense. I think when people get together, their lives are supposed to mesh together. One is not supposed to take over the other. And out of that, a life together is made. But that isn’t our life. There are too many people clawing at him wanting something when they wouldn’t do the same for us.

And I don’t know what to do about it.

I have never loved anyone like I love him. Victor is why I moved to Texas.

And I don’t want this as our life.

His family and his exes have their own lives. They are living their lives. And I feel like we’re not allowed to do the same.

Like his mom pushing her way into our life after her husband passed away. His family pushed him to take her in. Or his ex-girlfriend pushing for us to have his youngest son more. Victor works most of the time, and I’m the one that’s home. I’m never asked if I’m okay with it, and honestly, I’m not. Especially not now.

I am dealing with so much right now that I need a break from his mom and everyone. But I know it won’t happen.

I’m sad. Depressed. And stressed. I don’t know what to do. And I can’t even talk to my mom about this stuff anymore.

Ho Ho Ho – A Collection of Christmas Horror Stories

Releasing November 11th.

Ho Ho Ho is a collection of Christmas horror stories. I’m excited to say two of my stories, Candle Lad and Frosty Meat are in this collection.

I hope everyone who reads the book will enjoy it.

Buy the book here.

91 Days of Halloween Movie-thon: Day 91

Hubie Halloween (2020)

This is a horror comedy starring Adam Sandler. If you have seen Adam Sandler films, you know how goofy they can be.

I watched this when it was released on Netflix in 2020. And I have watched it a bunch of times since then. It is a hilarious and fun film. I love it.

It is available to watch on Netflix.