Christmas is almost here. I used to love the holidays, but my excitement for them began to wane after my dad passed away. It was the same for my mom.
Despite the complicated relationship both my mom and I had with my dad, the holidays weren’t the same with him gone.
I have fond memories of Christmas and Thanksgiving with my parents. New Year’s as well. We had stopped the big celebrations. We had stopped visiting people. It was for our peace because our family – for whatever reason – needed to bring in chaos.
And it was nice.
I actually loved going to Ryan’s buffet for Christmas or Thanksgiving. Some years, for one of the holidays, my mom cooked just for us at home.
I became accustomed to peaceful and non-stressful holidays.
Holidays are not like that with Victor. They are stressful, and there is no peace. There is visiting and picking up his kids. The holidays are about everyone else and not us.
I am not excited about Christmas at all. My mom is gone now, and I honestly don’t even want to celebrate.
Everything I have read about grief, online and in books, says that when someone close to you passes, you become a different person.
I am different. I am not who I was.
And when that happens, things that you do and holiday traditions change.
Holidays are hard for grieving people. And you do what you need to do to cope.
Thanksgiving wrecked me. Victor had some family over, and I stayed in our bedroom crying. It was too overwhelming.
Both times I’ve lived here, the holidays have been about his family. We visit or invite some over to our place.
What I need to do to cope is for the holidays just to be us. I’m sure I could tell him I want to stay home on Christmas and not go to his dad’s, and he would be okay with it. But I also don’t want to be alone on Christmas. Victor is my family, and I want to spend it with him.
Victor wants me to be happy, but he wants to keep everyone else happy, too. He wants to be everything for everyone. And you can’t live your life that way. You can’t live your life if it’s about everyone else.
I’m going to do my best to keep it together on Christmas. But I think I will need to talk to him about the holidays next year. It’s always been his way, and I feel that needs to change.